I had been doing really well about keeping my equanimity. Keeping informed. Worried but not anxious. Until a couple days ago. For whatever reason, all of my mental stability stopped feeling… stable. Suddenly. I started imaging all the worst outcomes and they kept swirling in an endless loop. I just couldn’t get out of my head. I couldn’t sleep. Even though we’ve been spending every-single-second-of-every-single-day together as a family, I wasn’t present for my kids and Tim. I was too absorbed in all the dire future possibilities that I just wasn’t present in the now.

The thing is, I think it finally hit me that when life resumes after the coronavirus, the world will be a changed place. I’d like to hope that there will be good changes that come from all this, but for many, many people, the bad changes will be significant. Already have been significant.

And I’m worried about the changes that it will bring to our lives. We are generally in a very good position to weather this particular storm – for all kinds of reasons. And I am incredibly grateful for that. However, we have all been so excited about the direction our life has been taking, and I’m honestly mourning the idea of losing it.

But last night as we were getting ready for bed, my daughter reminded me, “Mom, if you look for the things that make you upset, you’ll always find them. If you look for the things that make you happy, you’ll always find those.” This is a refrain that I tell my kids all the time. And (I’ll be honest), it stung a little to have my own words directed back at me. (I have a feeling that I’ll have to get used to that as my kids get older). But it was what I needed to get out of my head.

I woke up this morning feeling better. I decided that there’s a whole universe of things that I can’t control, but I can decide to look for the things that make me happy. And I’m lucky enough to have a lot in my life that makes me happy, if I just get out of my head and pay attention to them.

Today we took a nature hike to a waterfall that’s about a mile or so from our house. We made up our own scavenger hunt to do while we were out, and we saw coconut trees, lizards and frogs. I sat in the jungle at the waterfall and listened to the wind through the trees, the kids’ exclamations, doves cooing, and insects buzzing.

When we got back, we all watched a Mo Willems Lunchtime Doodle. Have you seen these? They’re amazing, and have seemed to unleash a wave of creativity in the kids. And it’s so much fun to draw Elephant and Piggy and to doodle alongside Mo Willems.

This evening I feel as if I’m in a much better place. Who knows what will happen over the next few weeks and the next few months. I’ll cross my fingers that we’ve managed to save lives with all the social distancing that we’re doing across the country, and that we will, collectively, find a way to also flatten the economic curve of pain.

In the meantime, I’ll be over here in my corner of the world, looking for the joy where I can find it.